Spectatoring
Spectatoring is a funny word, but in the world of sex, it’s not amusing. In fact it can take the fun right out of our naked playtime. The concept of spectatoring is one of the more frequent issues that arises with patients during sex counseling. What exactly is it? Spectatoring is when you are mentally stepping outside your experience and watching yourself. It is when your brain becomes an observer of you during sex but not in a helpful way. This third person observer is prohibiting you from full enjoyment, pleasure and probably orgasms.
Masters and Johnson coined the term in 1970. Described as “when person focuses on themselves from a third person perspective during sexual activity, rather than focusing on one's sensations and sexual partner, it can increase performance fears and cause deleterious effects on sexual performance”. In other words: your worries that you are taking too long, not fit enough, smell bad, or have groceries to put away, are negatively effecting your sex life.
The idea of spectatoring makes me think of Statler and Waldorf (from the Muppet Show). You know…the cantankerous old Muppets? They sit up in the balcony being crass and critical towards Fozzy, Kermit and Gonzo. When we spectatorate we are like Statler and Waldorf towards ourselves: intrusive, negative, and disruptive.
If you find yourself making a “to do list” during sex, you are not alone. There are many, MANY varieties of distracting thoughts that people have during sex. Unfortunately, the more negative we are about our bodies and ourselves, the worse our sex lives. Many studies show that poor body image correlates with low sexual satisfaction. So what do we do about all this? How do we prevent Statler and Waldorf from taking up residence in the balcony of our brains?
Lucky for us (yes, I do it too) there are several ways to break the habit of letting our negative thinking into the bedroom. The first and easiest thing to do is to focus on your senses. What do you see, hear, feel, or smell? Pay attention to the way your partner’s skin feels or the sound of their voice. Focus in on what they are doing to you with their tongue or their mouth or their genitals. Think about what pleasure is building in your body? It sounds easy but sometimes it is not. If you practice bringing your mind back to the moment by way of feeling/smelling/tasting/touching/hearing it helps shift your focus from worrying to enjoying.
Mindfulness is another more specific way to help get out of our heads without judgment or so much distraction that we lose the moment. People tend to groan loudly when mindfulness is brought up. The concept is everywhere, and with good reason. Mindfulness brings us back to the present. It prevents distractions from interfering and most importantly those who do it well do so without judging themselves for their wandering minds. Sex and spectatoring are no exception. There are dozens of research studies that show that when we practice mindfulness, we have better sex. If you’d like to learn more about the research, check out Lori Brotto’s work: Better Sex Through Mindfulness. There are also dozens of apps for your phone to help you practice this skill (such as Mindfulness Coach and Headspace) and only require 2-5 minutes of your day.
Slow Down! No really…slow your roll. If you want to learn to revel in sexual pleasure, take it slowly. Play with each other. Sex is not a means to an end-it is an experience to be savored. One of the easier ways to stay in the moment is to build anticipation. Stimulate everything. Start and stop. Be a tease. When we devote more time to playing and “outercourse” (as opposed to intercourse) we keep the sensations alive and the excitement building.
One thing that always helps (since we are all living a world that holds us to unreasonable beauty standards) is to build body confidence. Spoiler alert: it’s not easy! If only we could have the ability to let our positive talk take the place of the critics during sex (and our everyday lives). Working towards self-love and acceptance is no small feat. So how do we do this? One way is gratitude. 40% of our happiness is within our control and the most successful way to improve this is gratitude. Being grateful for what our body can do. Instead of saying: “my thighs are fat” instead think “I am grateful for my strong legs that carry me where I need to go.” Or “I am grateful that I can wrap my legs around my partner and improve their pleasure.”
Finally, remember: you are engaging in sexual activity! It should be pleasurable and fun! Sex is hot! Hell, YOU are hot, and your partner wants to be there, naked with YOU, because you’re YOU.
As a counselor, educator, and physician, my passion in life is to help everyone, regardless of age, race, orientation, ability or identity have the most pleasurable sex life imaginable. I’m writing this blog to share my knowledge and experience with you so that you can better manage the complex biopsychosocial entity that is your sex life! We can all improve the quality and quantity of our sexual play (myself included!) and that starts with preventing our internal critics from having a front row seat to the show.