The Big O and the Orgasm Gap
Let’s face it: in a list of subjects that make people uncomfortable, orgasm rises towards the top. If sex is a difficult topic, the actual zenith of physical sexual pleasure is astronomically more elusive. Luckily my superpower is talking about all aspects of sex from unique fetishes to anal pleasure to the big O. Let’s unpack experiencing orgasm, and why it’s easier to do when you are alone.
Near the top of the list of sexual health problems that people see me for in counseling is orgasm. And since the goal of this blog is to share my expertise, especially where common problems are concerned, I figured I had better tackle orgasms so we can get our pleasure going. There are two common themes when it comes to that most explosive and ecstasy filled part of sex. One is simply just reaching it-which many people feel they can’t or haven’t ever. The other is the ability to have an orgasm ONLY if they are alone. It this is you…I’m glad you are here.
First things first—lets define it. What exactly is an orgasm? An orgasm is a peak physical and emotional response to sexual stimulation characterized by intense pleasure, involuntary muscle contractions, and a release of sexual tension. For those with a penis it culminates in ejaculation. For vagina owners, it involves contractions of the pelvic floor. It’s hard to describe in words the “pleasure explosion” that tapers off typically over several seconds to a minute. Furthermore, people experience them differently. To add further confusion, most vagina owners have their orgasm from clitoral stimulation, but there are several other areas of the vulva, vagina, and even breasts that can stimulate orgasm. And yes, some women also ejaculate with orgasm but that is a topic for another post.
Because it is hard to describe the incredible sensation you feel in your body—how exactly do you know if you haven’t had the big O? According to research, including Kinsey and subsequent studies (Journal of Sex and Marial Therapy 2020) it can be anywhere from 5-10% of women report never having experienced orgasm. Furthermore, if you are in a heterosexual relationship there’s the orgasm gap. This is where only about 65% of women orgasm consistently with partnered activity. (Archives of Sexual Behavior 2017) Compared to the men in heterosexual partnered sex whose rate of orgasm is 95%. Bottom line: He’s coming consistently, she’s not.
To the women who question if they have experienced it, I encourage them to try on their own. Since we know that women are much less likely to have an orgasm with a partner, it’s best to take the stress out of it. You on your own will know what works and what doesn’t; solo sex is a low-pressure scenario. No one to communicate with, no one else’s pleasure or feelings to worry about. You can experiment and feel what brings you joy. It could be light touch to a powerful toy, but anyway you work to get there, your success rates are higher with masturbation.
One common finding when patients struggle with the “have I or haven’t I?” question: they back off before the orgasm happens. The build up to orgasm is intense! Seriously! It involves increasing muscle tension in the pelvic floor, but I promise, it will be worth it to build that tension and NOT back off. In this situation, practicing working up to the intense feelings and continuing to work is what you need. I’m here to give you a little encouragement and coaching to keep going. You can do it!
But mind the gap! Remember we find that women have much higher rates of orgasm when they are alone! This is one of the other common findings in counseling: patients who ask: “why can I climax alone but not ever with a partner?” The answer lies in the orgasm gap, lack of real sex education, and lack of interpersonal communication. My guess is you’ve faked it a few or every time. And why? Because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. Or maybe you just want it over with because it’s not building any pre-orgasmic pleasure. Or you’ve faked it enough to feel bad about approaching your partner now and saying: “Hey! I have never had an orgasm with you! Can we work on this please?”
People usually fake it so their partner doesn’t know--and trust me he doesn’t know when you fake it. (Just watch the diner scene in the movie When Harry Met Sally to see what I mean). Bridging the gap takes communication with your partner. Talking about sex is hard, especially if the other partner thinks that everything is great, and you are having mind-blowing orgasms when you are together. So how to remedy this situation?
Talking about sex is never easy. Having sex is easier for people than talking with their partner about the sex they are having. The long and short of it is, approach the subject when you have time and neither of you is busy or frustrated or sad about anything else going on in your life. Then start by using “I” phrases: “I have been feeling that we should talk about sex” or “I have concerns about pleasure. I don’t have an orgasm (ever/often) when we have sex and I want to see if we can work on changing that-together.”
So, now that we’ve talked a lot about that toe curling ecstasy that is orgasm, I hope you are inspired to have more. Don’t back off, don’t be afraid to talk to your partner, and don’t settle for not having the experience (partnered or at all).
Go forth and enjoy!